Have You Been Writing?

“Have you been writing?”

I’ve been asked this a few times in the last couple of days.  The answer, no.  I’m not entirely sure why.  Perhaps I am too busy.  Perhaps I don’t have anything to say.  Perhaps I am an expert procrastinator who can find 30 other things that must get done before I sit to write.  Yes, I think that’s the one!

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  I went on an amazing vacation that opened my eyes and that changed my perception of life, of me.  Close friends and relatives reached beautiful life milestones that warmed my heart.  I developed a new appreciation for everything around me, for each person I meet, for each day that I live, whether eventful or not on the surface, every day has meaning.

Every day is an opportunity to experience, to grow, to learn.  I’ve known this for a while but have now accepted it whole-heartedly.  Every day is a gift and I must treat it as such.

With that being said, I still have many less than perfect days where things don’t seem to go as planned and emotions fly high.

It is natural to have amazing days followed by grueling days where exhaustion takes over and doing nothing means everything.  That’s ok.  The key is developing the ability to emerge from those days bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to embrace the morning light.  I think I have developed that ability.  I’ve realized that sometimes those lazy days are necessary in helping to refuel me for the next; a little downtime is good every now and again.

We all need time to recharge, time to do nothing, time to reflect, time to rest, time to sleep, time to breathe.  Some people just need more of this time than others.

Hello Mac

Today I opened up a lovely white box.  Its sharp edges reminiscent of a beautifully wrapped Christmas present and the plastic that perfectly sealed it smelled of newness. For me, this box contained a world of possibilities and represented the beginning of my new journey.

Hello Mac.  It’s so nice to meet you.  I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you and look forward to getting to know you.

I had a difficult time committing to you in particular.  I knew I needed a new machine; a new vessel to transport my work from the initial thought to the work in progress to the finished product that will forever float in the virtual world.

I did my research and was pretty certain you were the one.  I may have temporarily swayed, for a very brief moment to something that appeared to be more appealing on the surface, but ultimately, I just couldn’t shake what I felt for you.  Long story short, I chose you and now here we are.  I know this will be the beginning of a beautiful partnership.  Together we will create, together we will refine, together we will produce.  Hello Mac.  It’s so nice to meet you.

I am so excited to have made this purchase.  I’m not a materialistic person by nature.  I’m not known to be a big spender and actually suffer from buyer’s remorse.  I’m the gal who will fill up her cart, try to convince herself of why she needs every item in it while she makes her way through the store and leaves with absolutely nothing.  One by one, each item gets returned to its location so that it can be later claimed by its eventual owner, ie., not me.  Yes, I’m that person.

I used to be an impulse buyer.  If I liked it, I bought it.  I gave very little consideration to the value that the item would bring and to what purpose it would have in my life.  Instead, I would get an overwhelming sense of lust and if it felt right, it came home with me.  Eventually, this got old and I realized as the years went by that my impulse buys tended to collect and inevitably be donated to the Salvation Army or attempted to be sold at a yard sale.  I once bought not one, but two, yes two, blender sets at 2:30am from an infomercial on TV.  I ended up giving one to my dad and the other is still packed away in its original box with all its recipe books, smoothie cups and accessories.  I bought it 10 years ago.

After many similar purchase experiences, I ended up learning the error of my ways and instead of being a normal spender I have flocked to the opposite side of the spectrum and am now what I like to refer to as a hesitant shopper.  As such, one could see why forking out such an absurd amount of money on a laptop was not an easy decision to make but I knew that it was the first step to the new me.  The new me that writes when she’s anxious.  The new me that taps into her feelings instead of ignoring them.  The new me that is truly making an effort to understand why I feel the way that I do and to learn to not only live with my emotions but to come out of my experiences with new wisdom, with growth.

I know my Mac will help me down my journey and I can’t wait to see what we can make together.  A whole new world to explore, endless possibilities await.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

12:45pm
Today I had caffeine.  Today panic took over.
A psychological change, an overwhelming feeling of worry.  The equivalent to “butterflies in my stomach”, but the fluttering is felt in my chest.
Debilitating.
Consuming.

I can’t concentrate on anything right now.  Nails tapping on desk, thoughts racing.

The trigger so minor, to anyone else, not even a worry.

Why won’t he respond? Breathe, just breathe.

1:07pm. He responds.
Relief. Release.

I decided to write this during a time that I was actually feeling anxious.  When it started I couldn’t think of anything else, it was impossible.  I grabbed a pen and my notebook and just began to write what I was feeling.  I wanted an outlet, I needed to vent.  What I found was that it did actually help me to feel more at ease.

There is much to be said about writing, about expressing what you’re feeling; transferring your emotions into organized thoughts and making them visually available for all to see.  It is therapeutic.  It is transcendent.  The ability to let go and to then look back as an outsider helps to put things into perspective.  Are my fears unfounded, am I overreacting?  If so, there is no point in asking why; the “why” is irrelevant.  I already know I overreact, I already know I am anxious by nature.  The real question is “how?”.  How do I surpass this fear?  What can I do to overcome the anxiety at this very moment?  More often than not, the answer is to breathe.  Focusing on the natural rhythm of breathing occupies the mind and when the mind is otherwise occupied, it doesn’t have time to indulge in our irrational thoughts.  Breathing.  Such a simple concept, such a natural solution.  I mean, we have to do it anyways right?  Breathing to survive, in this case, a whole new sense of meaning.

 

When you feel overwhelmed or stressed or anxious, what do you do?  How do you handle those moment?  Do you remember to breathe?  It’s easier said than done, right?
I know, I know.